Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I couldn't help but chuckle when I reread my post from last year, on my 28th birthday.  It was a rough period for us. Amaliya and I were in the middle of months of sickness, I hadn't been running, was still getting up 4-5 times per night with her, and was experiencing lots of whacked-out hormonal anxiety that made it nearly impossible to relax and enjoy anything.  Having a baby rocked my world suddenly and dramatically, in ways I didn't expect.  I was working through a lot of new fears - I was afraid for Amaliya's well-being, afraid of how much I loved her, afraid of how my relationships had changed since she entered the world.  I was afraid of my own body, which was riding the changes associated with birth and breastfeeding, my health and hormones shifting faster than I could keep up with.  I was afraid of my own mortality, of life slipping away from me, since for the first time I had something - a daughter - that I was terrified to lose. 

Crazy, right?  At the time, I thought I was handling the transition into motherhood fluidly and gracefully.  Looking back, I see myself for what I was:  a hot mess.

It passed, though.  28 was a year of settling in, of reconciling my old self with my new reality.  It was a year of getting by, day by day.  A year of disappointments, failed tests, and a fair amount of confusion.  It was also a year of unparalleled joy.  I watched my baby become a toddler, a walking talking little person who makes me laugh every day.  I ran long and far, and my body is stronger now than it has ever been before.  I gave up on some ridiculous goals, set new goals that made sense, and achieved them.  I laughed more than I cried, and really, can we ask for more than that?

Yes.  I can ask for more than that, and I will. 28 taught me some hard lessons, but 29 will be the year I take what I have learned in almost three decades of life and put that knowledge to work for me.  I feel a sense of clarity in certain key areas - namely my career, finances, and personal interests - and I am ready to step out of my comfort zone this year.  I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, but I know what I need to do in order to get the life I want.  It is not going to land in my lap.  I will need to work hard, and I am ready to do so.

This year, I will make money doing something I love.  This year, I will do the things that scare me.  This year, I will tackle new distances, on and off the road.  This year, my formal education will be complete.  This year, I will put myself first.  This year, I will bring myself closer to the life I dream of living.

This is 29.

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