Turning twenty-one again

21 has always been my favorite number.  I was born on April 21, it was the age I always looked forward to being (for getting into bars, duh), and I always notice 21s following me around when significant events happen in my life.  (I fully acknowledge that I see 21 everywhere because I'm looking for it, not because it's some mystical "sign" from the heavens.  But so what?  I enjoy indulging my superstitious side every now and then).

So of course, I've been looking forward to my twenty-first week of pregnancy since the beginning, and when my anatomy scan was scheduled for the first day of my 21st week.... well.... it surely must be fate!  Today was that day, friends, and to say I was psyched to the point of losing sleep would be an understatement.

So, imagine my surprise when I get to the facility only to find that I did not have an appointment today!  I ran upstairs to my OB's office, to discover that he went ahead and canceled all my appointments when I requested that my records be transferred over to the Birth Center.  I had called the imaging center a couple days ago to confirm my appointment, which they did, apparently without actually checking their system to see if I had an appointment.

Score 1 for the medical establishment.... 0 for me  :-(

This is my pissy face.

There's nothing I hate more than being duped by the system.  There was some tantrum throwing, foot stamping, tears shed in my husband's car... and then I got over it, but I'm still feeling kind of sad.  We may end up driving over to Riverside tomorrow to one of those ultrasound places in the mall to get a peek, they'll tell us the sex and I'll get 10 minutes of watching baby prance around in there, which would be wonderful.

Though, to be perfectly honest?  I feel kind of weird about it.

Yes, I was excited about finding out the sex of our baby, but more than that, I was looking forward to the diagnostic portion of the ultrasound today.  I want to know if everything is progressing well, looking normal, if there's anything I should be concerned about.  I wasn't really worried, per say - we don't have any genetic risk factors, or any other reason to be abnormally concerned.  I just hate when there's information available to me that I can't access.  If I have the ability to know, then I want to KNOW.  NOW!

That's pretty much the same way I feel about knowing the sex as well.  I don't have a preference and neither does my husband, my choice of decor for the baby's room is completely gender-neutral anyway... I just want to know!  I feel more and more strongly every day that there is a real person in there, sharing my life.  A person who is a little slow to get started in the mornings, dances around happily after lunch, and most definitely favors the lower-right quadrant of my uterus.  I sneak off to my bedroom as often as I can to lay with my hands on my stomach, feeling the kicks and somersaults, and sensing this strong identity emanating from the being inside of me.  But that's all I can do... lay there and imagine.  I will not really start getting to know this person for another 19ish weeks.

So yes, part of me is incredibly anxious to know the sex of this baby, because it's something.  Some little tidbit of information to tide me over for the next 4ish months.  Another part is reluctant, though, because it seems so... cosmetic?  Boy or girl, yes it's interesting, but is it REALLY so important?  Is it significant in any way to how we will raise this baby, or the kind of individual s/he will grow up to be?  Not really.  I'm much more interested in whether all fingers and toes are accounted for, if there are any medical conditions we need to prepare for, if there are any challenges our child is likely to face so that I can get an early start on directing some loving, healing, accepting vibes towards my uterus (there goes that superstitious side again).  Those little sneak-peak ultrasounds are just a placebo, a fun diversion, but they can't tell me what I REALLY want to know.

Sigh.  I'm very good at getting worked up over silly things.  I'll talk to the midwife on Monday, schedule the anatomical ultrasound for some time in the next few weeks, and will probably get baby's fetal portrait taken at the mall this weekend anyway even if I feel somewhat silly doing it.  Because, as I'm beginning to learn, us mothers will do just about anything to connect to, protect, and maintain that single-minded focus on our little ones.

For those of you in the Inland Empire, this is the place we will likely be using:  Fetal Focus

Happy weekending, everyone.